April 30th, 2002


the weekend and tell me good titles

My mood today is strange. Not really sure what i think. I know that my plan for living in the minute and not really thinking about the future is kind of difficult..

I'm very bored at work. It was fine while i was sick, because it was exactly the sort of relaxed no pressure think I needed. However I'm constantly getting frustrated and bored with the lack of challenges, my work mates are aware of this, but change is not forthcoming, if anything its changing for the worse. Things seem to be getting stricter and more restrictive and less scope for experimentation and interesting projects. I need to be challenged, I need to do something that will get me thinking and learning, am so not interested in stagnation, stagnation is evil. I know I know - read more non fiction, produce my own challenges and so on. I do a bit of that, but I'm also lazy, i want someone else to challenge me.

I'm hanging out for this new job, which i'm beginning to get a lot more skeptical about its appearence in any time frame that will satisfy me. I also know that the guys i work with don't want to replace me, so that may actually lessen my chance of getting the job.


My weekend

The suburban backyard bbq from hell. This scared me, I mean really scared me in bits. It was in greensborough, mostly normal ppl, even ppl i knew quite well in uni now looking normal with partners and small children and pregnancys, and talk of weddings and house buying and suburban style blandness. Admittedly there were alot of family and other friends there of ppl i don;t know, but the geeks and freaks also blending in to this process of normalisation. I have to admit it terrifies me. I don't want my life to be like that. Then again part of me is glad I'm terrified, because I not sure if maybe i do want something like that, you know the whole house and marriage and rugrats things.... Well the own house thing is looking tempting, but thats about that. A partner could be nice, provided its a sufficiently funky sort of relationship.

Among others things there was a trip down memory lane with aguy i knew in early uni, and they were memories i didn't need thank you very much. A cute kitten that rocked, yet the admittance from a friend that the kitten was a stalling tactic and its a 3 bedroom house for a reason, me corrupting some small children being the 'parental guidance' during a movie, and more beer than i usually drink.

eep - I grew up to early as a kid, and now the thought of growing up terrifies me.

Other things - watching video's with aveline nesting, toying with the idea of an adventure, but the nesting urge was too strong. making some excellently indulgent food. Chocolat is an excellent movie.

Dreams - dreams keep getting weirder, saturday was very ugly dreams with violence and ppl being horrible to each other and a lot of running, and seriously fucked up stuff. Sunday was some weird media cross promotional things, i think i should pay less attention to the media atm, combined with niceness and weirdness with friends

Tonite is the going away party, for someone like me who drinks very little and then only one or two drinks sociably the urge to get drunk is quite strong, although i have a suspicion that that is the way messiness lies, and i don't much feel like making a dickhead of myself in public. Then again drinking by oneself is alcholism and drinking sociably is fine. blergh. I have a suspicion things could get quite sad. I also strongly believe i need to maintain control of myself at this point in time.

Seeing madi will be good, it kind of makes me sad and happy. Happy because i enjoy his company, sad because i miss him more than i think Madi relises, and yes i don't have this pronoun game right yet..

shrug - it would be kind of nice to know what i want... I think i have to decide to give work a few more months and see what happens and then decide.

Bleah too many conversations that need to be had...

I've decided I want to have a midwinter party this year, just a smaller group of friends - unlike the midsummer party. With lots of good food and good company, who wants to come?