May 22nd, 2002


(no subject)


I still bend my knee's spitefully at you evil overcast raining thing, I will destroy you with the power of my flexibility and make you eat my dust.

Must remain perky in face of overwhelming cold and rainyness! I will triump - evil laugh of doom!

Happy things

Free pastries and crossiants and slices and bakery goodness.
Wonderful friends
World of Chocolate this weekend and uber indulgence :)
I get to see the snow soon - apparently it snowed in the mountains :)
Going to canberra soon and getting to see everyone, expecially boy!
overtime paying lots.
warm doona's and good heating and yummy soup to spite cold icky weather.

Canberra plans
I arrive sometime friday 31st afternoon! I'm getting mikey to pick me up from the airport - and hopefully ben and or julian will be on the plane to - looks pointedly at them?
And heading into civic prolly essens for coffee (tea/chocolate whatever) and saying hi to whoever wanders past :) tell me if you might :)
Then getting mikey to make me dinner! yum! curry!
mike's make the bestest curry!

Saturday I hope to have brunch somewhere - mike is supposed to organised something - so I'll see what happens - email me with suggestions? ANd hopefully horsey riding! Then madi's play which I'm really looking forward too - it better be a good show madigrrl!

Sunday - I've got vague plans to do a day trip to sydney with boy - *waves at arwen*

Then I'm pretty much got no plans for the rest of the week - i want to catch up with lots of ppl, have some rest, have some fun and have some good conversations with people! Suggest things for me to do, and times to catch up with ppl!
On the 6th I'm going to be kicking myself for missing the Joe Haldeman book signing...

On the Friday is mike's housewarming - which i need to find a costume for, and i head back to melb saturday evening :)

gosh - hows that for not overly organised!

on a complete tangent - someone said i was scary and they were intimidated by me....this suprised me! Am I really scary??

madi - stop laughing now!
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(no subject)

Written in responce to a post by skud about eating habits

I read those same books you did, the 'true story' and 'diaries of' - i know they were meant to shock and scare me but they intrigued me.

Around about age 13 or 14 or so - i got sick of being called fatty by my parents - now anyone who looks at my childhood photo's will know i was never fat, never by any stretch of the imagination, in fact too thin, no puppy fat or anything. There was alot of my parents had always been atheletic sorts - and why didn't i dedicate myself to sports like them, there was a fair degree of no food thats bad for you and no sweets and all that, and fruit...

However - we were also very poor as children, to the point of sometimes i know mum had trouble putting food on table. So I grew up with a pretty basic diet with no real chance to indulge anyway.

Shrug - I decided I liked being a certain weight, I liked the really thin aesthetic and didn't want to be any larger. I decided to pick 45 kilo's as my ideal weight, and made it my goal to stay under it. Now as you can guess - this was prolly a pretty unhealthy thing for a growing teenager to do.

So throughout my high school years I stayed under 45 kilo's. I didn't do the throwing up food thing, or the laxatives, or the binge eating or the compulsive exercise and other damaging behaviour that typifies anorexia. I just simply chose not to eat. I'd not eat breakfast at all, i would occasionally have an apple for lunch, I would generally eat something when i got home - even if it was just half a vegemite sandwich. I was the person that cooked dinner for the family, so i was in charge of serving things up and that made it kind of easy to control what i ate.

I turned vegetarian at age 14, this was for a whole pile of reasons, partly because i was a really picky eater and didn't like much meat, partly to have an excuse to refuse food, and partly because while cooking, I'd pick up the hunks of dead animal from the freezer bag and the pile of blood in the bottom of the bag would make me sick.

So I lived in a family that would eat meat and three veg. So I'd serve up food, for everyone, leaving the meat off my plate, and just putting a very small serve of vegetables on my plate. I'm vaguely recalling now - how i used to just use a bowl rather than a plate to put my veges in - I'd mash the veges all up together and generally eat a little bit of them...

Thinking back - I don't know why this never got commented on. Of course I could always say I had snacks after school or whatever - but i don't recall ever being questioned...

I don't recall ever been questioned by my immediate family - so if it was a cry for attention it never got me anywhere. At my thinnest I got down to around 33kilos (I'm the same height as skud for the record...) And spent a long time fluctuating around 40kilos

I failed year 10 home eco - one of the requirements was that you had to prepare food, present it and then eat it. Being vegetarian I refused to eat most of the food we prepared - and for some reason being vegetarian wasn't an excuse (country highschool) so i always lost marks on that part of the assessment. That said I was still a better cook than most of the ppl in my class. There was another exercise we did - where we had to write down everything we ate for a week and then go through the calorie and nutrient book thing and list all the food items, what they were worth and how our diets compared with the accepted dietry standard....For some reason I was honest with my food list - and as such got into so much shit and lectured by the home eco teacher about how stupid i was... No constructive critism, now helpful comments, no concerned reporting it to anyone important or my family that they might be a problem..

It was after I passed out in the shower when i was about 17 that I started to worry and think maybe i was being silly, and eating a little bit more..

I think what makes me angry is the fact that no one ever noticed or commented or made a fuss...
This was something I did by myself for myself.

I never got my period until I was 18, and a concerned doctor put me on the pill - because he assumed it woould make me have a period - the pill rapidly made me put on about 20kilo's and hit puberty so I decided I didn't like it, and went and saw another doctor who said i was fine and to come back and see her if i decided I ever want children...

I'm reasonably certain I'm infertile - I'll get that checked one day.

I've also had stupid amounts of problems with my health - see the arthritis things - I think I can blame that on being underweight as a teenager.

When I was 20/21 I was broke for awhile and couldn't afford to eat - stupid austudy - stupid dole - I was forced to drop out of uni because i couldn't afford to stay in - austudy wouldn't give me money because my parents had too many assets - so i had to go on the dole - this left me without any cash for about 2 months - which meant I simply slipped back into my not eating patterns and lost lots of weight - getting back to my 45kilo goal :)

I then broke my jaw and 3 months worth of chocolate milk and orange juice is also a good way to maintain low weight. Strangely enough after then is when i really started having problems eating food. I wanted to but i found that after eating a few mouthfuls I'd be full, or that eating more then a small bit of food at a time would be difficult.

It took me a long time to learn how to eat again. And I only started putting weight back on after I started working and eating lunch regularly.. you need that break from the office.

The point being - I'm now up around 65/70kilo's and pretty unhappy with that. I know logic says i should be happy with that - But I'd be happy around 50kilo's with no tits and everyone telling me how unhealthy I look.

I have to admit to finding the overly thin look really quite interesting. I like the curve of hips and ribs...

I'm not judgemental of other ppl, I like someone for their personality not there looks - and quite frankly don't care what shape ppl are.

Personally - I'd like to be thinner - I have a wardrobe full of size 8 and 10 clothes - and am too cheap to pay for new ones. i don't like my thighs and i don't like my belly, and I would like to be able to count ribs when i look in the mirror. But I'm not fanatical about it...

Now why don't I get thinner - the only way i know how is to stop eating - and that's not really an option right now. Stupid common sense getting in the way

Why don't I talk about it, I don't want friends to get paranoid if i eat half a bowl of food, rather than a full bowl. I don't want ppl to watch and comment on my eating habits...

So why did i write this - because I read skud's live journal entry and decided to see if by writing about thing, anything would become apparent and teach me something new - given its not really a part of my history that i have bothered to explore...

Now If you excuse me I'll think I'll wander upstairs and fetch another crossiant. bakery crossiants are an acceptable lunch right?
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